Communication WIth Your teen

Communicating With Your Teen

Young people today essentially feel misunderstood as if their parents have no idea about the planet they live on - and as a parent you probably agree with this! In order to have effective communication we need to try and bridge that gap.
Take a look at our tips for different situations that will equip you to foster communication with your teen:

In general:

Teens love when we talk to them like an adult.
Teenagers love when you ask their opinion, they are just starting to develop these skills so encourage it. Don’t freak out if they say something crazy and/or something you disagree with. Talk to them like you would an adult friend - not judgmentally or condescending.
Only freak out on the inside - remember they are just finding their voice and discovering who they are.
They are sized up and measured all day long. They can detect criticism or suggestions for improvement a mile away.
If you lecture they will tune you out. They can be really good at appearing to listen but…
Just listen, don’t interrupt or interrogate, don’t try to fix it (ask if you’re unsure) don’t overreact even if you do not agree with them.

When you’re just trying to start a conversation:

Have non-agenda time: spend time with your teen without looking for any opportunities for a conversation, or correction. Make an effort to just enjoy their company.
Talk about something THEY really want to talk about, for example, a video game - I know it can be REALLY hard but if you bear through it and listen, you can develop an interest and it can lead to further conversations.
Do family dinners whenever possible, even if there are attitudes involved or silent treatments.
In the car when they are driving - they can’t be on their phone! Or have a family rule – no using phones in the car.
Talk about something that won't result in conflict ex: a tv show - who is your favorite character etc.
Timing is everything! Notice when your child is most receptive to talking - for MOST kids that’s not right after school. Often it’s at the end of the day when they are going to bed
If you child always seems to want to strike up a conversation at just as they are going to bed, plan for it so you have the time set aside. Always try to be available.

When they initiate the conversation

Don’t miss the opportunity - drop everything
Validate - be sure that in an attempt to make them feel better you don’t minimize what they are going thru. Good time for reflective listening stating what you heard them say without any commentary.
Even if you are trying to validate or agree with your child, be chill. If they are upset about something and they come to you, you don’t want to further upset them by ‘making a big deal out of it’ or causing them to think you are going to jump in and fix it. Keep the focus on your child. Example - Susie said I was ugly and she’s talking about me behind my back; you want to say: “ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I never could stand her…” Even though it’s well intended it can freak them out, better to just listen and validate. Let her vent, hear instead hear her out, stay super chill, and when she’s done calmly say something like “I’m really sorry honey” or maybe even “I know you realize you are not ugly, you’re beautiful; remember it’s not about you its about her, still not not ok….” If you’re not sure what she wants you might ask (after she’s done venting) “Do you just want to vent or do you want my help?” Oh, and give lots of hugs if they are receptive!

If you’re like me, you might have some repair work to do in this area so look for opportunities to let your son or daughter know you can be chill.

Awkward or difficult topics

Start early; again DO NOT MISS an opportunity if they have questions - you want to be there go to. Do your best to not show how uncomfortable you are. Remember, you want them to come to you. It’s your opinion vs that of the internet or their friends. If at all possible try to have the conversation right then and there. If you absolutely have to regain your composure, ask if they mind if you talk about when you can give it 100% of your attention. Key is to not make it seem like a big deal - like it’s going to be a big long talk. Be as factual and direct as possible, don’t talk down to them or as if they are a young child.

If you want to talk to your kids about your values regarding sex and dating, a great way to get them 100% on board with this conversation: If you’re not old enough to talk about it, you’re not old enough to date (clarify - this is not a one time conversation but ongoing)
Use movies/tv shows to launch conversations about important topics

Not every challenge needs a solution, but every child needs someone who is willing to listen.

Try some of these tips and tricks to improve everyday communication:

Always look for opportunities: Involve your child in everyday conversations – this could be as simple as asking, ‘What do you think about that?’
Prioritize them: Be willing to stop what you’re doing and listen to your child. Often you can’t predict when your child will start talking about something important to them. Be ready because this can happen at the most inconvenient times.
Facilitate more engagement: Using open-ended questions is always great because it shows a genuine curiosity for your child, and your willingness to try and understand their life, and their experience.
Avoid lecturing: Try to avoid language that tells them how they should feel and tells them how you think they should behave. This is going to create defensiveness and attacking. And try, where possible, not to talk over each other.
Engage without interrupting: Build on what your child is telling you and show your interest by saying things like ‘Tell me more about ...’, ‘Really!’ and ‘Go on ...’.
Be observant: Watch your child’s facial expressions and body language. Listening isn’t just about hearing words, but also about trying to understand what’s behind those words.
Don't get emotional or take it personally: When you hear something you don't like, keep your emotions in check and try not to react. Let them keep talking, you can come back to discuss any concerns later after emotions are not so...fresh. This will show them that you have the ability to listen to them without judgement or negative reactions.
Validate their feelings: even if you don't agree with something they've shared/done. If you can separate their action from their person, it will show them that you are always in their corner, even if they share something you do not approve of.
Enjoy quiet experiences with your child:
Look for opportunities to bond on a level that doesn't require much communication. This can be as simple as watching a TV show together, watching them play a video game, cooking together, getting a dessert or coffee at your favorite local place, etc. These activities will make you more relatable and show your child that you want to hang out with them with no agenda and no judgement. Your relatability can lower their guard and can lead to conversations later on.
Give praise: Parents tend to praise children more when they are younger, but adolescents need the self-esteem boost just as much. Teenagers might act like they’re too cool to care about what their parents think, but the truth is they still want your approval.
Have mandatory family meals: Sitting down to eat a meal together as a family is another great way to stay close. Dinner conversations give every member of the family a chance to check in and talk casually about sports or television or politics. Kids who feel comfortable talking to parents about everyday things are likely to be more open when harder things come up, too. One rule: no phones allowed.
Ask honest questions, not loaded questions: Questions such as “Why can’t you get up on time? What’s wrong with you?” lead to conflict because they put your child on the defensive. Instead, try opening a conversation with: "Do you have any ideas for how you might get up on time?” If they say they don't know, offer a few of your own and ask which one would work for them. Always encourage THEM to come up with a solution.

Try to minimize the following, which act as barriers to effective communication:

Interruptions and distractions, which can make it seem like you’re not interested in what your child is saying.
Jumping in with advice, rather than listening to what your child has to say.
Judging what your child has to say and not validating their point of view.
Interrogating your child by firing questions at them.
Negatively reacting to something your child shares.
Having conversations when your child is emotionally charged. Try to pick a time when everyone is calm.
Punishing your child by responding to their silent treatment with a silent treatment of your own. Always do your best to keep the lines of communication open between you two.

SOURCES: imperfectfamilies.com, childmind.org, empoweringparents.org

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